Why Doesn't Online Dating Work?

Calgary Counseliing Service

We trust our intuitive sense that we know what we want in a partner and can identify those characteristics from the person's appearance.

Both beliefs have been repeatedly proven false

We focus on a few idiosyncratic characteristics that make photos attractive but exclude the character and personality elements that actually matter.

This is why a few profiles attract thousands of hits

We are cognitively lazy, preferring to swipe left rather than expend the effort to evaluate those characteristics we can not instantly classify.

People of ambigious ethnicity are often ignored

We invest in and present to others an idealized image of ourselves instead of allowing our true selves to be known.

This teaches cynicism and paints others as liars

We adopt a systematic and calculating stance of criticism and judgment instead of doing the hard work of extended conversation and building commonalities that creates satisfying relationships

Giving is the foundation of healthy relationship

We are incapable of dealing with limitless choices. Choice Overload plus cynicism creates a perpetual window shopping behaviour known as Choice Paralysis.

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is a powerful trap

We fill in missing information with a fantasy of the person which, inevitably disappoints in real life.

Text rarely matches in person interactions anyway

And, when we focus on the bold claims of dating sites, the truth is that they struggle to test what makes a successful marriage.

Research even disagrees about relivant attributes

Yet, online dating CAN work - if we ignore the shameless marketing and learn how to use it effectively.